Tag Archives: Marriage

Marriage Bloopers. Part 5

This is the last of our Marriage Bloopers Series.

Jenni & Brian Clayville“Blooper” is such a cute word. It’s an “oops”. And it can seem like no big deal. But when we continue to blooper without changing for healthy and the better, the oops/blooper can become a moral failure.

I did that.

We all love to be acknowledged. We want to matter. We want to be worthy and count for something. And let’s be honest… there is NO WAY to be 100% prepared for what marriage is going to be. We grow up reading about the princess meeting the prince, love at first sight and happily ever after. Instead, we are greeted with conflict that naturally arises between two people who lose all their personal space and have been raised in two fairly different families.

A shift happens once we say “I do!”

Conflict without proper resources to work it out.
Focusing on unmet expectations.
Forgetting to say “I love you.”
Becoming glorified roommates.

The “blooper” I’m gonna talk about is much more than a “blooper”. It was a moral failure. In July of 2006, I chose to step into an affair that changed the course of my life forever.

I don’t want to focus on the affair today though. We can… another day… or you can ask me questions. I’m quite open about it and will talk about whatever you’d like to talk about… but let’s talk about the root of the issue. The affair was the result of a plethora of bloopers that went unchecked… and my affair was simply one possible manifestation of the many that could have happened in the course of malfunction I chose.

In the wake of our three year battle with infertility, my heart needed attention and love. Instead of communicating with Brian in a deep and honest way that I was broken and empty, I made myself believe I would be fine and it would get better… tomorrow. Instead of confiding in a friend that I felt alone, I continued to act as if I had it all together.

It’s amazing how lonely one can feel in a full room of people.

In my failure to partake in true community and communication, I had no other option than to choose darkness and secrecy. In my quest to find my place of belonging, I chose the most heartbreaking rejection instead. My biggest blooper ever… choosing to hide.

Don’t let your fears lead you to isolation. Don’t allow your bloopers to define who you are. Saying “That’s just who I am” and “I’m fine” is no longer a good enough. Be who God has called you to be: Blooper-free!

And for those of us who have bloopered beyond what we think is repairable… I can tell you this: But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8). You matter. You were bought with a price. Grace resides in what seems to be the most graceless situations. There IS a tomorrow. We are in this together… so don’t give up.

What have you learned from YOUR bloopers?

You can catch the previous Blooper posts here:
Part 1 – By Cindy Beall
Part 2 – By Jenni Clayville
Part 3 – By Trisha Davis
Part 4 – By Cindy Beall

Just A Reminder…

Posted by Brandi Wilson

This past Sunday I joined Pete on stage at Cross Point for all 6 services as we wrapped up our “5 Things” series on marriage.

You would think I’d have gotten a better photo for you guys… but all I could think of was not falling off that tee-tiny stool they had me sitting on, so I had to lift this photo off of twitter!

While we had a blast teaching together I think what struck me most was the dedication of our staff and our volunteers.

I’ve always had great respect for our staff and love their servant hearts and “get it done” attitudes.  But doing 6 services together really helps you appreciate all the details the staff takes care of.  They are game on every minute of the day.  They’re creating atmosphere, hugging necks, and offering support.  If I didn’t think they were amazing already… Sunday secured that, they’re the heartbeat.

And our volunteers… oh my stars… they served their hearts out… for free!  I mean I was tired after the 3rd services but those volunteers wore smiles that could light up a room. Their selfless contributions effect all those who come in contact with Cross Point. Their desire to help others see Jesus was inspiring.

I’ve always felt that “loving on the staff” was one of my main roles as Pete’s wife.  Sunday was a great reminder of that.  We are blessed to be part of a great team.

My challenge to you today is just remember to love on your staff and volunteers.

You can listen or watch the services here.

A Solid 10…

Posted by Brandi Wilson

I was having lunch with a few girlfriends the other day and when we had a fabulous talk about marriage.  The discussion centered around how to make our husbands feel more loved… finding specific actions that spoke straight to their hearts.

One very wise and well-loved girlfriend added this piece of wisdom…

When I look at improving our marriage I think about the typical scale of 1-10, however instead of shooting for a solid 10 I try to focus on one notch at a time.  For instance, let’s say my marriage is at a 6 right now, I’m only looking at moving it to a 7… shooting for 10 all the time gets exhausting. I’ve learned to celebrate the small successes.

Such a simple concept, but one I’d never looked at that way.  It’s so much easier for me to look at loving my husband better one small step at a time.  In fact it’s a great way to think about moving toward a healthier lifestyle, regular workouts and even spiritual growth.

Here’s a quick personal example… last night Pete was getting ready to go out of town and was loading up his suitcase.  He kindly asked if I could iron the collar of a shirt he was packing… I did it, but I’ll be honest and say I didn’t do it with a cheerful heart.  I might have even added in a few “You know I hate ironing” and “Won’t there be an iron in your hotel?” comments.  Looking back I turned a 60 second simple chore into a “situation.”  He was already feeling the pressure of a busy week and a hectic travel schedule he didn’t need to hear his wife’s negative commentary of her view on ironing.  Loving him better at that moment simply meant being his helpmate with a giving spirit.

What’s one way you can move your marriage up a notch?

Refine Us…

Posted by Brandi Wilson

I’m so excited about the resource I get to share with you gals today.  A few months back I introduced you all to my dear friends Justin and Trisha Davis.  Justin and Trisha have blessed our lives as friends the last 10 years.  To make a long story short, we met over prompt-to meal at Chili’s, instantly clicked and our friendship was born.  These last 10 years of friendship have included two church plants, loads of laughs, three more babies between us, several moves, lots of mexican food, and marriage ups and downs for both of us.

Justin and Trish share their story with a rawness that engages anyone who visits RefineUs.  They’ve chosen to take the struggles they’ve faced and help other couples in a marriage crisis.  Just this week they’ve opened a resource web site in order to more personally rescue couples struggling in their marriage.

What really excites me is Justin and Trish are doing something specifically for us.   A large part of their ministry specifically focuses on marriages of pastors.  Because, let’s be honest, marriage is tough and ministry adds a whole new element which sometimes isn’t easy to navigate.

There is even a great giveaway associated with the launch party.  Whether your marriage is healthy or hitting some bumps in the road you’ll find something to encourage you at RefineOurMarriage.

One Thing…

Posted by Brandi Wilson

Last week Pete and I blogged for our friends Justin and Trisha Davis. We were honored to be on the list with some really impressive couples during their series entitled “One Thing.”  The theme of each post was centered around this question: “What is one thing you know NOW that you wish you would have known before you got married?”  What we submitted is below… but more importantly I’d love to hear your answer as a pastor’s wife.

We embarked on this road called marriage 13 years ago and what journey it’s been.  We’re like a lot of you.  The boy hit on girl in college, the girl played hard to get, the boy kept pursueing girl, girl finally gave in and they quickly became inseparable.  Our evenings included late night phone calls where we thought we’d never run out of things to talk about.  We spent the wee hours of night curled up in a blanket sharing the dreams of our future under our favorite oak tree.

Communication was so effortless in those early days… then “life” started.  We both began new jobs, started a church and married all by the age of 22.  The days of staying up late and dreaming together were few and far between.  It seemed everyone needed something from us that always took priority over one another.

Our communication went from effortless to non-existent.  We weren’t prepared for healthy marital communication to require work.  We never expected communication to be a vital aspect of our marriage that required so much intentionality… so much deliberateness.

Leaving healthy communication out of our marriage quickly put us on two parallel paths rather than a united journey.

One thing we wish we had been told before going into our marriage is that marriage will always take work, communication always has to be intentional.  Even after 13 years of marriage we work hard… we believe our marriage is a priority and take the time to sit down and talk together.

The communication factor in our marriage will always be an issue, we’ll never perfect it.  However, we’re both aware of our shortcomings and for us awareness is half the battle.

Now it’s your turn… what is one thing you know NOW that you wish you would have known before you married a pastor?