It Had Its Hold On Me

old-window-2Before I answer the last question in the You Asked mini-series, I thought I better give you a little bit of a glimpse into me. The last question asks how I help Jud through the rough times in ministry. I’ll get to the answer to that question tomorrow. Jud does have rough times … times where he is worn out or completely stressed. But I am the one who has had my struggle with depression. 


Depression had its hold on me for about  a two year period after we moved to California. I couldn’t really pin down what was wrong with me. We had great friends. We served at a wonderful church. I had an amazing husband and baby. I loved Jesus. But something in me just turned off. I didn’t want to do any of the things I had always loved doing. I didn’t read. I didn’t really want to get out too much. I hardly got out of my track suits. I was emotionally void … numb. Jud knew something was wrong, and tried his best to draw me out … to encourage me, but nothing really happened. 


Oddly enough, what started me back on the path of being well again was a miscarriage. It broke something in me. I cried … and cried … and cried. I started talking and opening up. It didn’t happen over night … but it did happen. That thing that had somehow gotten turned off, turned back on.


Depression is different for everyone. But I know that I’m not the only one in ministry that it has had its hold on. If you are there now, I’m praying for you. I know the loneliness and isolation of it. 


So there it is.

5 thoughts on “It Had Its Hold On Me

  1. Chris A

    Thank you for your honesty.
    Something we are so afriad to talk about in the church community.
    I too struggled when I had my second child. It was hard. My kids are only 15 months apart, and I was overwhelmed. We have no family near us, and though we have great friends they all had new babies too. I would have never admitted it then, but I know I was depressed. I don’t know if I really knew then, but I was. I feel I missed out on some important things then. I look back at that time and its a blur…. all days of track suits and babies. I guess this has been tucked down in there cuzz as I write tears are filling my eyes.
    What my marrage went through, what my kids went through…. I feel a lot of guilt over it all.

    Okay…. all that to say thanks for your openness. Gotta get a tissue 🙂

  2. Keri

    I VERY much admire your transparency. What an incredible gift to every single woman that comes in contact with you…… totally let them off the hook of thinking that you’re perfect. Aren’t all pastor’s wives perfect?? It shows how real and authentic you are……makes me want to move to Las Vegas and join your church!

  3. amystorms

    I’ve been on medication for depression twice (and probably should still be :)). Mine hit the worst after my second baby, and then again after my third…only it wouldn’t go away that time. I had a miscarriage in between, too, which of course didn’t help. My “favorite” advice through it all was that I should read my Bible more. 🙂 Not a fun season, but it helps in ministering to others.

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