Category Archives: Relationships

Tweet This. – Part 2

You Asked. We Answered. – Part 2

Written by Kimberly Scott

How do you encourage your husband when he is not leading it and loving it? What is the best way to remain supportive of my husband as a pastor, but encourage healthy amounts of unplugged and disconnected time from the church?

“Everybody loves a leader until they lead.” I heard that quote years ago when my husband and I were knee deep transitioning our traditional 100 yr. old church. No truer words have ever been spoken. Each bold step my man took to steer the rudder of our ancient and quickly sinking ship brought out the spirit of mutiny and fear amongst the ‘crew’ and passengers. He became sullen, angry and almost paranoid with fear and anxiety over the loss of respect and support. I watched a strong man with BIG shoulders and a heart for God become broken and disheartened. He was NOT leading and loving it and neither was I.

I felt at such a loss to know what to say to encourage him. One evening I walked into our bedroom closet and found him sitting on a stool sobbing with his head in his hands. I tried to console him the best I could, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was this: “Honey, we have to accept that there will ALWAYS be problems and people that disagree with your leadership. We can’t change that, but we have to figure out a way to change the way we deal with it.” We needed to stop trying to carry and manage every conflict on the OUTSIDE and figure a way to steward our own hearts on the INSIDE.

Soon after I was sitting with my friend, Lori, around our backyard fire pit and she asked me when the last time was that he had some kind of break or rest. I had to answer honestly. For the six years that we had been married, he had NEVER taken his paid vacation, and frankly refused to take his scheduled days off each week. He was addicted to his purpose and working made him feel productive. She shared a link with me from Pastor Ed Young Jr. about the importance of building margin into your life as a leader and the importance of time off for the health of your home, ministry and life. I quietly sent him the link hoping something would resonate before we completely bottomed out. Ladies, that day something changed in my man for GOOD. My husband called me the next morning in tears asking for forgiveness for not taking the necessary time to refuel and repair his own heart and spirit. He immediately scheduled our vacation time away and committed to staying ‘unplugged’ for a time of true Sabbath. We’ve been married ten years now and he has kept the same promise. God is FAITHFUL.

I love the passage in Mark 6:31 that says, ”And He said to them, “Come aside by yourselves to deserted place and rest a while.” Jesus was speaking to the disciples after they had taught and ministered to the sick, broken, demon possessed and lost. He KNEW that they needed time alone to recover from the highs and lows of all they had experienced. There is something powerful and intoxicating about being on the front line of ministry. It is thrilling AND exhausting but the danger of pride and ego can begin to overcome your motives if not checked. I believe we are called to a DESERTED place by God to allow for a time of healthy introspection, prayer and more importantly learning that our total reliance is on Him. When we decide to take on and navigate the waves of the storm on our own, our ship will eventually sink. We were not meant to manage, control or own all the variables that take place in every day ministry life. We do have a burden to carry, but the ‘yoke’ is meant to be light because we are required to release it to Him daily. Remember that there is a gentle Captain just waiting for you to loosen your grip on the wheel and come away to a deserted place with Him. He has been and always will be in charge of this journey.

Vacations are sometimes difficult to schedule for so many reasons, but where is a ‘deserted place’ that you can go to each day to find peace and refuel?

You Asked. We Answered. – Part 1

3 Replies

Written by Cindy Beall

At Re:Treat last November, many of you sent in questions to us. After reading through all of them, we pulled out the ones that seemed to be more common. We will address four questions over the next two weeks.

What safeguards do you put in place to protect your marriage?

Years and years ago, my husband and I had a dear friend who came to see us almost every weekend. He was a fantastic man of God. We were very close. He was like a brother to me. We spent time together sometimes without my husband and during those times, we often shared our hearts and dreams.

I sit here shaking my head at my actions and in disbelief that I never committed adultery with him. Not because I liked him in that way, because I didn’t. I loved my husband. But, when you find a refuge, any sort of respite with a man other than your husband, danger awaits. I praise God that I didn’t not get tricked into an adulterous scenario by my spiritual enemy.

We receive questions similar to the one above consistently. But to merely put plans, guidelines and rules in place to protect our marriages is not enough. To do this and not address the heart of the person is like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound that needs serious attention. Yes, it is smart to have some dos and don’ts about what will keep our marriages healthy and protected and I will suggest some, but it cannot start there. The best way to protect a marriage is to relentlessly pursue Jesus on your own as well as with your husband.

Scripture teaches us that the heart is deceitful (Jer. 17:9). Yet, we hear all the time that we are “good people” and will “do the right things.” Friend, we were born with a sinful nature and our bent is to sin. Make no mistake about that. So, we must pursue Jesus if we want to walk with a pure heart before God instead of a deceitful one. We must spend time with Him, in His Word meditating on His character and His ways so that we can know His voice. Because when we know His voice, we know when He speaks and when we know when He speaks, we can be confident as we follow His lead.

So as you pursue Jesus, here are some practical safeguards to put into place to protect your marriage:

Cindy Beall 2 Be a cheerleader. Your husband needs support and encouragement. There will be other people who do that in his life, but just make sure your voice is the loudest. You can either build him up with your words or tear him down. Make sure yours carry the most weight with him. Heck, go buy the whole cheerleading outfit complete with pom poms and tassels if you want. Just be his biggest fan.

Create a sanctuary at home. Your home is the place that needs to be protected for your husband, yourself and your family. When you serve the body of Christ in a full-time ministry role, you must have a safe place where your family can unwind and rest. If the home is chaotic, your husband may not rush home from work. Establish a setting that is comfortable, peaceful and a refuge. Make your husband want to come home.

Keep your guard up. I don’t care if you are absolutely, 100% smitten with your husband and he with you. You must be on your guard when communicating with the opposite sex. As a pastor, you both will communicate with the opposite sex. Just make sure there is a boundary in place that keeps you from sharing personal issues that create a vulnerable environment. I often bring up my husband’s name when talking with a man. I might say, “Chris and I so appreciate all you’ve done for the so and so” or something like that. When you do speak to someone of the opposite sex, make sure it’s in an open space. Don’t spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex – grab an extra person to sit in on a counseling or lunch appointment. Be safe. Be smart. I’ve spoken with more women and men who’ve been unfaithful to their spouse than I can even remember and do you want to know how many of them planned to commit adultery? Zero. Not one single person I’ve talked to said, “Yeah, I had a feeling I would break my wife’s heart or husband’s heart about seven years into our marriage.” Keep your guard up because your spiritual enemy takes no days off. And he will take something that started with pure intentions and turn it into a disastrous situation. Trust me.

Find your porch. Make time to connect with your spouse each day. Notice I said “make time.” That’s right. Our lives can be hectic and over-scheduled, and we throw the phrase “I don’t have time for…” around all the time. The truth is that we have time for what’s important to us. Whatever way you enjoy connecting with each other, do that! All couples are not created equal so what works for one couple doesn’t always work for another. Sit outside on your porch like my husband and I do. Take walks. Go to a movie. Exercise. Go shopping. Plant a garden. Enjoy your favorite restaurant. Travel. The list is endless. The important thing is to connect each day. Your marriage depends on it.

Consider the team. You and your husband are a team. It is not you against him or him against you. If you have that mindset, then the marriage loses. If you are pleased when he fails and you win, the marriage loses. If you hope that he experiences defeat so that you can be the victor, the marriage loses. You are a team – made one in God’s sight when you pledge your covenant to Him. Work for the team, not for yourselves.

I realize that most of the advice I’ve shared today implies a call to servanthood. That is correct. Serve your husband. Whether you work outside the home or not. You may say, “But I want him to serve me, too!” Yes, it would be ideal if serving each other was something you both did. But just because God has him as the spiritual leader of your family doesn’t mean you can’t lead him by example. Because that’s what Jesus did. He came to this earth to take on the nature of a servant. It is truly the greatest calling there is.

Talk with your husband about these safeguards. Which ones are you doing consistently and which ones need some attention?

Unlocked: From Isolation

When The Bags Are Packed: Leaving Well

1 Reply

Written by Trisha Davis

It was Easter 2013 when I realized that packing boxes would be in my near future. Our family moved to Nashville, TN, in 2009 to launch Cross Point Church’s third campus. My husband, Justin, took on the role of campus pastor. Although I knew someday down the road he would return to being a senior pastor (like way, way, way down the road), I didn’t expect it to happen this soon.

As you know, Easter is like the Super Bowl! I was leading worship that morning and the excitement and joy of our staff and volunteers was at an all-time high. But this Sunday was different for Justin. As he lead our creative team in a mini-devotional and prayer time before the first service, his melancholy tone and his posture of defeat told me he had checked out.

We sat in his office after the final service, and I started to cry. I shared with him that his loss of passion for his position would eventually start to hurt our staff and church family. His tears started to match mine and in that moment, we knew we had to make a very painful choice. A choice to say nothing, collect a pay check and pretend like everything was okay or a choice to speak truth and confess hoping to find a healthy solution.

A couple of weeks later we sat down on Pete and Brandi Wilson’s couch, who not only lead Cross Point Church but have been our dear friends for many years. They knew before we even spoke a word. I was crying and unable to utter enough words to make a sentence. We shared openly and honestly how Justin was struggling in his current role. The pain on their faces was almost too much for me to bear and we left their house wondering if we had done the right thing.

It’s been two and a half years since that painful conversation. I have learned so much about how to leave well during our long season of transition. So if you’re reading this post in the midst of your own transition, I want to encourage you with four basic principles that will help you leave well.

Be honest and transparent.

There was no drama and no hidden reason Justin was stepping down. We loved Cross Point Church and still do! We loved our campus, our staff, our small group – we loved everything about our church which made the leaving even harder. But Justin longed to be a senior pastor again.

That night on the Wilson’s couch I was painfully honest and transparent about the fact that Justin and I weren’t on the same page. I confessed to them that I didn’t want to leave and that our kids didn’t want to leave. Yes, I knew Justin needed to step down from his position but I was not yet ready for him to be a senior pastor again.

Because we were honest, it gave Pete and our executive team a clear picture of where we were as a family. So instead of just booting Justin to the curb he was offered a different position. They didn’t have to nor did they owe him this! But this new part-time position gave us the time and space to get healthy enough in our marriage and in our family to know when it was the right time to move. Fast forward to this past summer, we were healthy, expectant and EXCITED not only as a couple but as a family and we moved to Indianapolis, Indiana to plant Hope City Church.

You may not be given this transition option like we were. In fact, yours may be much more challenging and even get ugly. No matter what, honesty is the best route to take at all times even if others don’t respond well to it. At least you will know that you’ve done the right thing before God.

Don’t take the grieving process personally.

God has given us the gift of grief. Grief provides a pathway to healing from what was lost. There are five stages to grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance but not necessarily in that order. In your decision to leave, take the time to process all the emotions and questions that come with it. Give the people on your staff and in your congregation the gift of time and space and remember not to take their grieving process personally.

Speak life.

When you are a part of a group of people who are grieving, hurtful words are sure to be spoken. It will be very tempting to respond and defend your decision which often leads to unnecessary drama. People are going to talk, but you can’t control other people’s opinions. You can, however, control how you respond to them. Speaking life is not to be confused with sugar coating what may be an ugly departure. I’m not advocating for you to be fake or inauthentic, but its important to have a mentor, counselor or trusted friend to be able to process the ugly side of leaving. Trying to navigate people’s pain who may not know the whole story and shouldn’t know the whole story only leads to more pain and divisiveness. Not everybody will understand, and you will have to be okay with that.

Pray.

I know you totally rolled your eyes at me and that’s okay because I can’t see you! If you want to know how to navigate every step of your transition as a staff member, then spend time in prayer. We are human and when left unto ourselves, we can be pretty awful toward one another. The power of prayer is an act of humility, recognizing that no matter how perfect we think our transition will go, we are bound to mess things up.

Looking back on this transitioning season, Justin and I realize how blessed we were to be a part of a great church that helped us leave well. You may not have the same experience as we did and may have to overcome difficult obstacles. Regardless, we don’t use other people’s treatment of us to justify our wrong actions. Leaving is never easy but there is always an opportunity to leave well.

Of the four suggestion Trisha made above, which one do you feel you need to work on in your own life when it comes to transition and change? (Honesty/transparency, not taking things personally, speaking life, or praying)