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Leading and Loving It

After the Wedding Wednesday … One Thing

This is the last week in our After the Wedding Series. If you didn’t see the other posts in this series, make sure to check them out: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5. But, don’t worry … we will continue hearing from these lovely ladies.

We continue this week with our sweet friend, Trisha Davis.

In February 2009, Justin and I made the decision to begin writing about the destruction of our marriage. We launched our 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage Series, Valentine’s week. We had no idea that our blog would reach so many people, would lead us to start a non-profit ministry and would connect us with so many people from around the world. We just wanted to be faithful to share our story of hope and redemption…God has done the rest. We spend a lot of our time talking to couples who have had their marriage fall apart. They are broken, they are hurting, many are on life support and some don’t recover.

One of the passions we have is to not just be a reaction to a broken marriage, but to be a proactive catalyst to prevent marriages from taking the path in which our marriage traveled. What if our experience could help save a marriage before it implodes? What if today you shared an experience that would bring hope and healing to other pastor’s wives? Cindy, Jenni and I are ordinary women choosing to share the extraordinary experiences God has done in our lives and marriages and we would love for you to join the journey!

It’s hard to find the right balance between having a healthy marriage and a healthy ministry. There’s this constant battle to cheat one over the other. In the midst of this battle, there is usually one thing that puts us on opposite pages with our husband. The calendar can change. Our seasons of life can change, but this ONE THING remains in the middle of our relationship.

I thought it would be helpful today to share my “one thing” in hopes (if your willing) you’ll share yours. It’s healing and encouraging knowing that we all have struggles. Some of you are in the midst of your struggle. Others of you have an extraordinary experience to share of how God has pulled you through. No matter where you are today, I pray you find comfort and encouragement in knowing you are not alone.

I’ll go first…

Our “one thing” was in the area of sexual intimacy.

Until the affair, I didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends, ministry and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship, I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to. I believe that our marriage would have been different if both Justin and I had a better understanding of what God’s intentions and purpose was for sexual intimacy. I believe that our tendency to hide from conversations about sexual sin would have decreased. I believe that our desire to be more open and honest with each other would have increased. We can’t go back, but my desire is to be as in tune with my husband in this area of our marriage, as I am in every other area. It isn’t easy, but it is so worth it.

I thought it would be helpful for you to hear from Justin’s point of view about our “one thing”….

Intimacy for me was just sex. I was never taught how to develop true intimacy, never realized the spiritual aspect of intimacy and never considered there could be any deeper level of intimacy than having sex. Almost from the beginning of our marriage, I fell into the trap of withholding parts of my heart from Trisha. It wasn’t always sin or struggles that I withheld…fears that I was ashamed of, things I didn’t have figured out, issues that I thought would stress her out, financial struggles I knew would worry her, dreams that I thought she would never understand. Each time I chose not to share, I diminished the level of intimacy we were capable of experiencing in our marriage. I wish we could have a do over in this area, and I could go back in time and share everything with her from the beginning. It would have saved us so much hurt. Because I can’t, I have made a decision to share my whole heart with my wife, and model for my boys what true intimacy looks like. The way that God has grown the intimacy we experience in our marriage is incredible. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable at times, but what we have as a result of intimacy, I wouldn’t trade for anything!

Your turn…

How are you dealing with your ONE THING?
How have you overcome your ONE THING?

Michelle Meeks Reply:
 July 6th, 2011 at 8:39 am

Thank you for being vulnerable Trisha, you have inspired me to do the same.
Our “one thing” is mainly my thing. I struggle with allowing Jesus to be my source of fulfillment. Instead I can tend to make that be Ryan’s job, and that is an expectation he cannot live up to.
This is completely unfair to him and I see it take a toll on our relationship, so I get right with Jesus and we are great for a while and then I can slip back into it.
It’s definitely tiring for both of us and I am so thankful for a husband who is so patient and GENTLY reminds me that Jesus is the true source of my JOY.
Thanks ladies!

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Trish Reply:
 July 6th, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Michelle,

Thank you for your willingness to share! I’m sure that several of us would agree that we struggle with the same thing. What I find most encouraging about your story is that you and your husband communicate. Like you said he can’t be your everything only God can but he CAN encourage you and speak truth in to you. The fact that you recognize the cycle I believe is half the battle. Praying for you and again thank you for sharing!

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shari sutherland Reply:
 July 6th, 2011 at 9:49 am

Great post as always! For us its struggling in the busyness to just BE together!I purposely have to schedule time for just us, no talking of church,or anything church related,or porblems, just us. Our hopes, thoughts, dream time. Thxs for the transparence!

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Trish Reply:
 July 6th, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Shari,

Love, love, love this! Great advice! Thank you for taking the time to share it with us!

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Sarah Reply:
 July 6th, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I think my one thing is teh same as Trisha but my question is how do I learn to have sexual intimacy? I get that it’s a problem but now what?

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Trish Reply:
 July 6th, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Sarah,

That’s a great question. I think it depends on what your specific struggle is. For some women its not enjoyable at all. For others physical intimacy is painful. For some, their schedule or season of life makes it difficult. The list could go on and on.

But no matter what your struggle is if you don’t have a foundation as to why physical intimacy is important in your marriage relationship it will continue to be a struggle. I wrote about physical intimacy in our “8 Things that Restored Our Marriage-Pt. 4″

http://refineus.org/2009/03/8-things-that-restored-our-marriage-pt-4/

I pray this post helps you but please feel free to email me with any further questions at refineus@gmail.com

Thanks for your willingness to share!

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Theresa Reply:
 July 6th, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Wow, I was scrolling down and stopped and went to the top of the page to really digest the whole page. My thing is needing my husband too much. Not sexually (we have a nice balance) but emotionally. I get blinders on and forget that I have friends and family that I can vent, laugh, cry etc with. I don’t shut folks out but I always go to my husband first. I am an emotional roller coaster at times and I’m sure I drive my husband quietly crazy. Seems like an odd “thing” huh?

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jude Reply:
 July 9th, 2011 at 8:05 am

Another great post in this series! I am so thankful for the truth and faith that you all have shared here.
I think my one thing was/is trust…
Having a dead-beat dad was something I didn’t think even bothered me… until about one year into marriage when my husband asked if I really, genuinely trusted him. I realized, the answer was “No”. I had back up plans in my mind for the “what-ifs” and it was slowly ruining our friendship and our marriage. Thankfully, my husband is kind, patient, and walked through this with me. It was not a one talk “cure”. Even now, I know when I get mad at him, its is often rooted in thinking he doesn’t want my best, which comes from lack of trust. It has been a deep spiritual insight for me as well… when my faith falters, I can usually pinpoint something that I allowed to corrode my trust in the Lord.
Again, thanks for these series!!

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