• Blog
• About Us
• Join The Team
• Local Events
• Virtual Groups
• Equipping Marriages
• Media
• Resources
• Connections
• Store

Leading and Loving It

After the Wedding Wednesday … Brokenness

For the next 5 weeks, we are going to share this “After the Wedding Wednesday” series. We are partnering with our amazing friends to help those women who marriages are hurting or broken. You can meet each of these ladies and read their stories here. And I know that whether your marriage is flying high or crawling through a valley, you will be encouraged by what these ladies have to share.

We continue our marriage series by hearing from my very sweet and amazing friend, Jenni Clayville.

In 2006, I walked into an affair.

At that time, my husband, Brian, and I had been married five years and our oldest son, Chance, wasn’t yet a year old. This man and his wife were close couple-friends of ours. We went on family vacations together, spent holidays together, our kids played together, we did ministry together… close.

I could make up excuses to how I let this happen: “I came from a divorced family”, “I grew up without a dad”, “My mother was abusive”, “My husband was distant”, “The other guy made the first move”… blah blah blah… but what it all boils down to is this:

I made my own grown-up choice and I WALKED INTO adultery.

I walked into a relationship that didn’t belong to me and didn’t walk away until I let it overtake two years… no… THREE years of my life.

In April of 2009, I finally told Brian about my affair. The affair had lasted two years, but I let it steal three from my family and me by hiding it and not revealing it in all its ugliness.

You see, secrets were something I kept well. I had a lot of secrets, so I thought, “why not just add this one to the list?” I never told ANYONE.  I was never caught.  But as I tried to keep this one hidden, it felt as if my soul was tearing away from me.  The affair was no longer taking me away from my marriage and family, but now, I was stealing ME from myself.  Worst of all, it was claiming everything I ever had with Jesus.

In my secrets, I was holding back any and every blessing I could have been or given to my kids and husband.  I thought I was self-preserving… but in reality, I was self-mutilating my heart.  I was failing at everything.  In my quest to prevent complete brokenness, I soon found myself failing even that.

Brokenness ensued… and I embraced it.

The next six months proved to be the most trying time of our lives.  After some prompting from Brian, I ended up telling all our closest friends and family about my affair.  Some were gracious… some were not.  That’s part of the package of sin… and I had to learn to not own their feelings as my own.  That’s a whole ‘nother post though.

In our time of healing and recovery, there were times of good and bad.  Sometimes, we clung to each other, grateful because we almost lost each other.  Then there were the other times, when we didn’t know if our marriage was going to weather the storm.

Brian and I dove head first into counseling and life-coaching, dealing with our issues face-to-face 3 to 4 times a week.  We needed surgery on our marriage.  It was brutal, painful and exhausting… but every minute was worth it, because God was stitching us back together better and tighter than we ever were before.

In all rights, Brian should have left me but ultimately chose to stay.  We didn’t want a divorce, but a divorce HAD to happen.  We divorced our old marriage, and took on our new one.  It was painful.  Though there were many bad memories in the old marriage we didn’t mind getting rid of, there were also just as many wonderfully BEAUTIFUL ones we had to abandon roadside.  We mourned our losses.  We still find ourselves mourning those sometimes, but today, we also find ourselves making brand new, even more amazingly gorgeous memories… untainted by the memory of an affair.

One of the biggest healing agents to our marriage was prayer.  Not just ours, but prayers from friends and friends of friends.  We ASKED for prayer.

Allow me to stray from my story for a minute and address something.  I have received over 1,000 emails/notes/messages of people sharing how they have experienced or ARE experiencing an affair and their marriage didn’t/isn’t survive(ing).  The reason is simple:  Satan still has a hold on it.

I’m not saying that there’s an easy fix to the dilemma at hand or that your situation isn’t complicated.  You’re definitely wedged in between a rock and a hard place.  What I AM saying is your marriage hasn’t completely been handed over to God.

Maybe the affair isn’t over.
Maybe your spouse can’t get over the hurt.
Maybe you can’t trust they won’t do it again.
Maybe you just can’t forgive.
Maybe your spouse won’t change.

Maybe the relationship can’t heal right because it wasn’t broken enough.  Sometimes, when you break a bone, it doesn’t heal correctly.  The only way you can ever get that bone to work correctly for you is if the Doctor RE-breaks it and you sit… and allow it to re-knit itself.  Both of you need to choose to be broken, but you CANNOT control or choose for your spouse.  You can only choose for yourself.

“Breaking you” may mean you need to tell your secret not only to your spouse and family… but to your community… your church.  Let all the secrets out (I’m not saying to reveal every little detail, in fact, I would advise against that.  Tell your story in categories… not in details) so you may be released from Satan’s hold.  Satan cannot bind you if you don’t give him a rope and duct tape.

After telling my story, only my actions proved my new boundaries.  Revealing it all left me raw.  Friendly male encounters that didn’t used to faze me now left me feeling VERY uncomfortable.  I knew this was good.

My boundaries had changed.  Instead of running up to “the line” and testing how fast I could stop before stepping on it, I deeply planted a very thick hedge in front of the line.  If I were ever to get bumped towards the line, I would wrestle with that hedge a bit, but would be SO far from that line I’m certain I would never cross the line.

Today, Brian and I have a marriage that is stronger than it’s ever been.  We are finding ourselves more in love than we ever thought possible.  Our healing has been nothing short of a miracle… but His miracles aren’t only for us.

Three questions for you:

1. Are you willing to tell your story? All of it?
2. Are you willing to be TRULY broken?
3. Are you willing to plant that hedge?

None of this is easy … but I can assure you, it is ALL worth it.

Brokenness… | Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 5:33 am

[...] read more, CLICK HERE. I’d love to hear your [...]

Amy Argo Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 6:40 am

Thank you for being raw and vulnerable, Jenni, so that others may be healed through your story. Bless you!

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 7:38 am

thanks, amy. healing is a continuous journey… but all of us need to start somewhere.

[Reply]

Faye Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 9:26 am

So love that your focus is now on Christ and you’re letting Him use your past for His glory.

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 9:35 am

thank you, faye. i really never thought this would be my story… but now that it is, i have to do what i can with it.

[Reply]

Tiffany Cooper Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 11:34 am

I love you Jenni. I admire you for using your personal experience to minister to others. Thanks, a really BIG thanks!

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 12:10 pm

love you, tiffany! thank you for all your love and support. i’m so thankful i get to call you “friend”.

[Reply]

Tiffany Cooper Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I’m thankful that I can send people who are walking through the same experience to your website. There’s something powerful about reading another couples journey to restoration.

[Reply]

Jen Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 11:58 am

Every time I hear stories like this one it always breaks my heart but almost involuntarily my mind always quips, “Yeah but you and Matt would never cheat on each other!”

Sometimes I wonder if Satan’s attack doesn’t start in that moment. I’ve never had an affair or even come close but I think the second I start feeling safe from such things is the moment that I stop using the “hedges” Jenni talks about.

I mean it’s important to trust your spouse obviously so you don’t want to be suspicious all the time but I think there’s a tension to be managed (in the words of Andy Stanley) there.

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 12:15 pm

agreed, jen.

i was watching the george lopez show yesterday (i know…) and ice-t and coco (again… i know) were on being interviewed about celebrating their 10 year anniversary. they were asked how they keep it alive all these years and coco said, “you have to make yourself an expert at what your spouse likes. if they like having their toe sucked, you learn to be the best toe sucker ever.”

my husband and i laughed… but she’s right. we spend all our time getting comfortable in our marriages that we don’t try anymore. and that’s unhealthy.

i think the moment we think “we’d never cheat on each other” is when we open ourselves to the possibility. i only say this because i said that once too… right before i did.

[Reply]

Kate Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Thank you for opening the door to your heart!

[Reply]

Brandi Wilson Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 1:17 pm

thank you for sharing your story with us! love your
heart!

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 1:45 pm

thank you, brandi! thanks for hosting me and letting me play in your playground. love you, my friend!

[Reply]

Aimee Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I admire your bravery! Wish I was just as brave.

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 7:41 pm

thanks, aimee… but it’s not as much about bravery as it is about wanting to be right with God… finally. took me awhile, but i wanted to choose Him as my first love again.

[Reply]

Lori Wilhite Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 6:23 pm

You already know how much I love you! But thought I’d just throw that out there anyway!

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 7:42 pm

i know. and i’m SO grateful for you. SO grateful!

[Reply]

Crissy Crawford Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Jenni-

I’m challenged and encouraged everytime I hear Brian and your story. And thanks for the chat at Armed and Dangerous. I’ll be sending you an e-mail soon.

Crissy

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 8th, 2011 at 7:42 pm

love you, crissy. LOVED getting some time to chat with you too!

[Reply]

Kristyn Reply:
 June 9th, 2011 at 5:50 am

Thank you so much Jenni for sharing this! Great reminders & true testament of God’s faithfulness! So vunerable & raw- thank you!

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 9th, 2011 at 12:17 pm

thanks for reading, kristyn!

[Reply]

Star Forbis Reply:
 June 9th, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Thank you for your Honesty & Bravery. You are helping countless other marriages.

We all think “I’d never (fill in the blank)” but, you never know what satan will throw at you at your weakest point, things you think you could never be tempted by.

Thank you for sharing so openly & beautifully.

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 9th, 2011 at 12:18 pm

thank you for your encouragement, star. that’s exactly it. the minute we say “i will never…” that puts us off guard which makes it so much easier to trip up.

if we all walk together, we can watch out for each other.

[Reply]

Michelle Meeks Reply:
 June 10th, 2011 at 8:44 am

Thank you for sharing your story Jenni (& Brian).

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 10th, 2011 at 6:33 pm

{{{hugs}}}, michelle! it was so good seeing you in nashville

[Reply]

Stephanie Thomason Reply:
 June 12th, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Jenni,
What a blessing you have been to get to know this last month. I adore you & I admire you also. Thanks for being real & sharing your life with us! Love u girl!!

[Reply]

Jenni Clayville Reply:
 June 13th, 2011 at 9:41 am

thanks, steph. it was good to meet you face-to-face in nashville too!

[Reply]

Alecia Reply:
 June 17th, 2011 at 8:39 am

Thanks for your transparency! What a wonderful story of God’s grace and redemption! I’m moved every time I read part of your story. Thanks for being available. I saw someone write how helpful it is to see other marriages being restored when you are walking through this. I couldn’t agree more. There is something about community and knowing that even though all our stories are unique there are common threads.

[Reply]

Add your comment