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Leading and Loving It

Dear "I'm a Bad Pastor's Wife"

This week someone found this blog by googling “I’m a bad Pastor’s Wife.”

I can’t tell you how this hurt my heart.

So … to that person:

I wonder what makes you think that you are a bad pastor’s wife.

Is it that you feel you can’t live up to people’s expectations? I can’t either. I can’t make everyone happy. I’m bound to disappoint someone. I haven’t met a pastor’s wife yet who has been able to accomplish meeting all of those expectations.

Is it that you can’t live up to your own expectations? I can relate. I often fall short of what I feel like I should do or who I should be. My toughest critic is me. I am notoriously hard on myself … and while I regularly show grace to other people, I often find it difficult to extend it to myself.

Is it that you feel like you fall short when comparing yourself to others? Yep, I’ve been there too. Wishing I was as good as this lady. Or wishing that I could do as much as that one. Or wishing that I was more like this pastor’s wife. But I’m not those people … and neither are you … and that’s ok.

God knows exactly who you are and how He made you. And He has put you in this role knowing all of your faults and failings … knowing that you are exactly who He needs in this place, at this time.

Tabitha Reply:
 October 14th, 2009 at 7:44 am

I think we all doubt ourselves, but I think that in the doubting God is able to refine us.

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Tiffany Reply:
 October 14th, 2009 at 8:48 am

This was me two years ago. But by the grace of God He has shown me the kind of pastor’s wife I need to be…..a loving, supportive and helpful one to my husband…the Pastor. I do still feel moments of disappointment and frustration at myself, but praise Him that they are fleeting and not the truth!

Great Post Lori!

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Kate Reply:
 October 14th, 2009 at 11:04 am

I agree, once I started taking the focus off of what I wanted to be like and put it truly, 100% on my husband and our ministry, life got a lot better, for the both of us! Plus it helps that in our location, the people attending our church have never been, so they don’t know the wife is supposed to organize everything!

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Steph Reply:
 October 14th, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Thank you for your heart for Pastor’s wives. We all need the encouragement so much.
I got a call from a lady in our congregation today asking me to meet with her minister’s wife from their former church because she is depressed and no longer wants to be a part of her husbands ministry and their marriage is suffering. Please pray God uses me to minister to her and encourage her.

We have all struggled at some point in the ministry and if we can use those times to help others than Praise God!!

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tammy Reply:
 October 14th, 2009 at 12:58 pm

I think we’ve all dealt with expectations that have been put on us (by ourselves and by others) just because we are the pastor’s wife. Hence why I was trying to come up with chapter titles if I were ever to write a book for pastors’ wives. The book would be titled: Help! I’m Married to a Church Leader. I don’t really have any plans to write a book, but here were the chapter titles I started coming up with:

http://dustyandtammy.blogspot.com/2008/11/sometimes-i-hate-expectations.html

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Lori Wilhite Reply:
 October 14th, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Steph … praying for you and that pastor’s wife right now.

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Kendra Reply:
 October 14th, 2009 at 5:13 pm

There are no two snowflakes alike. There are no two pastor’s wives alike… I used to think I was going to be a cookie-cutter image of my pastor’s wife… Nope. We are nothing, ok not as much as I thought, alike. And like you said, that’s ok. We will serve in different capacities. We will have different gifts. We need sabbaticals at different times.

I’m like you, Lori, and am probably harder on myself than anyone… Thanks for posting this. I’m sure “I’m a bad pastor’s wife” is not alone.

Lifting you up, “I’m a bad pastor’s wife,” and grateful that we have venues like this to lift each other up.

Kendra

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Confessions … « Leading and Loving It Reply:
 October 19th, 2009 at 9:32 pm

[...] 19, 2009 by Lori Wilhite Last week I wrote a little note to “I’m a bad pastor’s [...]

Angela De Souza Reply:
 October 24th, 2009 at 2:38 am

That is a fantastic post, thank you for being so real. Sometimes (most times) I find it hard to see how God can use me in this role. Blogs like yours really helps so thank you

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lauradee24 Reply:
 November 6th, 2009 at 9:13 am

haha, I was a horrible pastor’s wife! (I wasn’t the one who searched for your blog–somehow somebody got from my blog from here and that’s how I found you.) I didn’t cook, I was (still am!) a horrible housekeeper, and I tried to keep a shred of my own personality. I had doubts, questions, and ultimately wound up leaving the ministry (and the Christian faith, too, but that’s a different story).

I actually think that it’s really easy to blame yourself for other’s misconceptions and even abuse. The first church my (now ex) husband and I served in was verbally abusive to us. Nothing we did was right, and he was consistently blamed for things he had no control over whatsoever. I took it, too. No matter how much I did, it was never enough. I was always doing something wrong. And I believed it!

Churches are abusive sometimes. Some churches are abusive all the time. BUT that’s THEIR fault, not yours! So “I’m a bad pastor’s wife”, you can’t be worse than me! And you know what, I kind of think I was a GREAT minister’s wife while it lasted !

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Leading and Loving It Reply:
 February 10th, 2011 at 12:38 pm

[...] week I wrote a little note to “I’m a bad pastor’s [...]

elana Reply:
 February 17th, 2011 at 1:44 pm

While some of the posts in the “I’m a bad pastor’s wife” thread hurt my heart, this post is a wonderful follow-up. The truth is a real question… who ministers to the minister? There are hurting, frustrated PW’s all over the world whi need to respond to altar calls and need places where someone knows and challenges that last 10percent of our hearts that we would tend to keep hidden for fear that we are not qualified because of it.
Thanks for getting real with us!

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Sarah Reply:
 November 7th, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Oh ‘I’m a bad pastor’s wife’ – you are not alone.

I am the world’s WORST pastor’s wife. I was dragged into it kicking and screaming.

I’m better now but there are days…

Thankfully there is this community here. *amnesty*

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