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Leading and Loving It

After The Wedding Wednesday… You Are Not Alone

Posted by Brandi Wilson

We have 4 weeks left in our “After the Wedding Wednesday” series. We are partnering with our amazing friends to help those women whose marriages are hurting or broken. You can meet each of these ladies and read their stories here.

Today I get to introduce you to my dear friend, Trisha Davis.  We’ve been friends for 10 years, Trish is someone I sit with during worship, I circle up with at Bible study and someone I lay by the pool chatting with.  I’m so excited to share her with you guys!

It is such a privilege to partner with the Leading and Loving Team on the topic of marriage. My husband, Justin, and I will celebrate our 16th weeding anniversary next month so needless to say we have a lot of advice, wisdom, no no’s to share…. I’ll let you decide what to call it.

Justin and I have three awesome boys. Micah is almost fifteen-years-old, loves basketball AND officially being a freshman in high school. Elijah is my passionate about anything missions, twelve-year-old who’s currently in Nairobi Africa. Isaiah is our “gentle giant” who’s only eight, sweet as honey, but could “take you out” with one hand behind his back (he just doesn’t know it yet).

Justin and I met at Lincoln Christian University where we fell in love with each other and the idea of changing the world together through the local church. We started out in youth ministry and eventually became church planters in the summer of 2002 when we launched Genesis Church.

Planting Genesis was like finishing a race that you’ve trained years for. We experienced disappointments and failures in the first seven years of ministry that often caused us to rethink even staying in ministry. Somehow, planting Genesis made those years of hardships and disappointments all worth it. We loved our church and every single person who called Genesis their home. Within three years we grew from a small group of twelve to a large sea of 700. Seven hundred people experiencing life change. But if you looked closer you would quickly realize that two people out of those seven hundred were experiencing a different type change.

On October the 9^th 2005, Justin preached a message and I led worship. It was a typical Sunday morning. Later that afternoon Justin would confess that he was having an affair with our children’s director who was also my best friend. With one statement my life came crashing down. My hopes, my dreams, my identity, my faith, my role, my future became a cloud of confusion, despair and hopelessness.

I remember six months prior to the affair breaking down in the hallway at church with one of our Elders and his wife. I pleaded with them to help my marriage because Justin and I were not doing well. I explained why and for a few brief seconds felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. But as soon as the peace came it left. They both looked at me with sincere hearts but gave me the “I think your overreacting” response… translation… “You’re crazy.” That may have not been their intention, but that’s what my heart felt was communicated. Not only did I feel crazy after finishing our conversation, I felt alone.

I know that many of you are struggling to figure out how to have a healthy marriage as well as a healthy ministry. You battle yourself daily with questions and statements like:

“Maybe this is just part of the sacrifice of being a pastors wife.”

“The church isn’t as small as it use to be, so maybe I’m not gifted enough to help out like I used too?”

“I have to keep doing all the roles I’ve always filled even though I really desire to take some time away to be a better mom and wife in this season of my life.”

“If I could just be more out going rather than always being behind the scenes I would be a better pastors wife and maybe my husband would notice me.”

“I bet I would be happier if I had a husband who treated me like our team leader (name here) treats his wife!”

“If I can just stay emotionally detached from people at the church then maybe I can be a better wife and not resent the church for being the other woman in my marriage?”

The list could go on and on. You know the questions that you’re tempted to ask yourself when you feel alone and sometimes just plain crazy. Maybe as you read my words your heart is pounding and tears are welling. Maybe you feel guilty because there isn’t an actual affair in your marriage relationship, yet you feel that your marriage is falling apart as if there were. I want to say to you today…

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY… YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

God loves you and has given you a role that no other man, woman or congregation was meant to fill. Genesis 2:18

I encourage you today to….

Fight to find who God uniquely created YOU to be.

Confess to a safe person what you are feeling. Maybe that’s to a counselor, a trusted friend, or joining a roundtable with Leading and Loving It? Confess to God and allow Him to be a part of your pain.

Seek God through prayer even when you don’t trust Him. He can handle it, I promise!

Believe that God IS IN CONTROL and there is always hope. Always!!!

Rest in knowing that He never found your identity in being a pastor’s wife, but rather His Child, heir to the Almighty King who loves you so much that he sent His son to lay down his life. Galatians 4:6-8

How can we pray for you today?

Kate Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 7:17 am

Great post! Thanks, Trisha!

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Trish Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 9:42 am

Thank you Kate!

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Crissy Crawford Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 9:35 am

So good to know I’m not CRAZY…and not alone! And thanks so much for the wisdom you shared with me in your conversation with Jenni and I at Armed and Dangerous…thanks for asking me some very straightforward and hard questions…still wrestling with several of them. Thanks

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Trish Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 9:49 am

Crissy,

Thank you for allowing Jenni and I the opportunity to speak into your story. We will continue to pray for you and your family.

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Tiffany Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 10:56 am

Awesome post Trisha. Thank you for sharing your heart with us fellow PW’s today.

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Trish Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Thank you Tiffany!

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Ashley Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 12:15 pm

How appropriate for the trials I’m facing in my own marriage and home. My mother encouraged me to be open with my husband about the insecurity I felt and the resentment that was building up inside. He looked at me like, “Whoa, I didn’t realize it was *that* bad.” With some encouragement, we’ve started some marriage enrichment sessions with our congregational care pastor to make sure that we fix things before ministry ruined our marriage.

I’m sorry that anyone wouldn’t take you seriously about your growing concerns; I think more marriages are failing than we realize because people have come to a point where sub-par is totally normal.

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Trish Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Ashley I replied to you but I hit the general “reply” rather than replying to your specific post

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Michelle Meeks Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your heart and story Trisha!

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Trish Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Ashley,

Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable with your story! I pray it encourages others to do the same. I am so proud of you for being brave enough to share your true feelings with your husband. Jenni Clayville’s post talks about the value and freedom of being a truth teller. I am learning that those “hard conversations” are a continual part of my marriage relationship. God Bless!

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Beth Reply:
 June 15th, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Thank you for sharing, while on vacation I spilled how I felt to my husband. We came back ready to face things head on together and I have found someone to confide in outside of him about how I feel. I’m feeling alot better!

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Trish Reply:
 June 16th, 2011 at 9:06 am

That’s awesome Beth! So proud of you!

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Grace Reply:
 June 16th, 2011 at 4:58 am

Wow!!! Thank you for letting us in on a very personal matter.

My heart resinates with those thoughts… even though my husband is not having an affair. Sometimes I forget that it is ok to be hurt. But taking those hurts to Jesus is where I find healing. Allowing Him to woo me back to His heart.

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Trish Reply:
 June 16th, 2011 at 9:08 am

Grace I love that thought… “Allowing Him to woo me back to His heart”

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Rachel Reply:
 June 16th, 2011 at 5:50 am

Trish, Thanks for sharing. Going through a rough season. I have found being open and honest helps greatly! If I’m not, things can’t get fixed.

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Trish Reply:
 June 17th, 2011 at 8:35 am

That is so true Rachel… Praying for you in this season!

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Ashley Reply:
 June 16th, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Trish, your post is beautiful and needed. Thank you for being bold & courageous in sharing your journey…

I am also thankful for your open honesty, it is the key factor to intimacy and you have challenged me… thank you. thank you. thank you.

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Trish Reply:
 June 17th, 2011 at 8:38 am

Ashley… thank you for your kind words!

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jude Reply:
 June 16th, 2011 at 8:33 pm

I just got off the phone a little while ago with a woman whose husband just left her, to “Be free”. I didn’t think “How could he!” I think the Holy Spirit prompted me to this thought, “How can I make sure I don’t do the same?” Marriage is hard, and we live in a world that tells us to get happy, no matter the cost. I would love prayer to keep my husband and I from falling for the illusions of freedom and happiness, that would entail us walking away from each other. (the grass is NOT always greener!)

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Trish Reply:
 June 17th, 2011 at 9:19 am

Jude,
My heart breaks every time I hear that someone has left their spouse. Its hard not to become so paranoid that you try to control everything or just the opposite, completely check out. What I love is that you have discovered the key to not do either. The Holy spirit will guide us how to discern what is truth and what are lies from the enemy. Its not always easy but possible!

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Abbie Reply:
 June 19th, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Thank you. I need to remember I’m not alone – and actually, tonight I’m starting a study with high school girls and the topic is finding who we are in Jesus, not humans! Hope I can learn it with them …

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Ana Claudia dos Santos Reply:
 February 15th, 2012 at 10:12 am

Thank you…I really need this today…good to know that I’m not crazy…and I know God is also with you…and using you to help us…God Bless you always…Ana(Brazil)

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