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Leading and Loving It

Stick a Pretty Bow on It …

Posted by: Lori Wilhite

If you’ve been around here a while, you might remember this little walk down memory lane. And you might, amongst other photos, remember this picture:

Yep. That’s me. Second Grade. With my Dorothy Hammill glasses and little dog sticker tucked in the corner of the lens. And curly hair on only one side of my head.

Well, on Sunday I got this comment:

Hello, I am a student at the Art Institute Of … and I was wondering if I can use one of your pictures for my project. My project is to design a book cover for a fiction novel and your 2nd Grade picture goes well with the book I read.

The book is titled “Freak” by Marcella Pixley and it is about a 12 year old girl that is teased and taunted in school, isolated at home, and is pushed toward her breaking point. With nowhere to turn, she decided to take matter into her own hand and prove that she is a forced to be reckoned with.

Aaahh, well then. There it is. Apparently my awkward little picture there would be a great fit for a book titled “Freak.” Seriously?! Of all the pictures on the internet?! That is stinkin’ funny.

Now, of course, I politely declined. And there was probably no way this request could have been made so that I would have agreed, but it did get me thinking about the importance of the packaging of our words.

We all have occasions when we need to deliver critique or confrontation. You can say some challenging things when you stick a pretty bow on them.

What do I mean?

- Talk to people in person. Simple Matthew 18.
- Eye to eye or voice to voice is always better than email. Most people read email with a neutral to negative voice playing in their heads. Let them see your expression and hear your words themselves.
- State the good stuff. Point out strengths and give encouragement first.
- Be mindful of your tone of voice. Keep it sweet, even if it needs to be a little stern.
- And if you can’t say it in love, then don’t say it. Or at least, pray and wait until you can.

What are some other tips for packaging our words?

Joy Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 3:30 am

Lori,
I love what you said. I have been thinking about “words” and the power they have in the form of gossip, prayer, praise, criticism…
I love your previous post as well with all of the pictures. I am still not comfortable with strolls down memory lane. It feels too much like a back alley in the middle of the night. Some day, my friend. Someday…
I am so grateful to have found you and this amazing group of women. Thank you for your transparency and leadership.

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LeadHership Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 6:30 am

Yes! I have had words lost-in-translation when I’ve texted or emailed. It’s so important to call or do “live” when there’s the remote chance my typed words could be misunderstood. Great post! Thanks!

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Tamera Ford Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 6:59 am

Okay, have to admit I lol’d when I read her description of the book. You were a beautiful child! Still are. Great wisdom on words…simple. My husband lives by Prov 10:19 When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise. I have to remind myself of this daily. Thank you for sharing!

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Kelly Dykstra Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 7:39 am

Lori, for one thing, you were (are) adorable. I, personally, had my initials on my glasses during that phase.

This is a loosely-related comment. Something we learned in recent years, was that as lead pastors who deliver the teaching of Jesus, we are wise to allow our staff to have the majority of the “hard conversations” with people. This way, should offense be taken, it’s not against the ones opening the Word. They are more likely to still receive from us.

Naturally, we still have those honest, gracious conversations with those close to us, on staff, etc.

Oh, and a spouse-converation tip? When we know a topic is gonna get pretty hot, sometimes we’ll do it in a coffee shop or restaurant so that emotions don’t get overblown, and we’re forced to calmly seek a solution.

Love y’all!

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Vanessa Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 7:44 am

Yes! Yes! Yes! I’ve been the recipient and unfortunately, the sender of though emails that caused a lot of hurt. Face to face though conversations is definitely the best way to go!

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Jaye Bice Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 8:02 am

I agree that text and email are not good ways to communicate important issues to others. When I must email or text I tend to add lots of smiley faces & lol’s {especially for those who don’t know me well}. I try to keep the details to a minimum & set up a time for face to face ASAP. Getting “prayed up” & sharing in love using scripture is the most important thing. Thank you for sharing.

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Cindy Beall Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 8:40 am

I use the compliment sandwich.

1. Say something nice, point out the good, thank them, etc.
2. Bring the correction, rebuke or challenge.
3. Love on them so they feel like a million bucks.

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Angela De Souza Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 11:29 am

My husband and I like to use Build-Break-Build. We say something that builds the person up then we say the difficult thing that might break them and then follow it up with another positive the build them. That way they have heard what we have to say but have been built up more than broken down

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Angela De Souza Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 11:30 am

I blogged about sex today, scary subject, did I do OK or do I need to stick a box on it? http://kingsdaughters21.blogspot.com/2012/02/being-wife-who-enjoys-sex.html

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Angela De Souza Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 11:30 am

I blogged about sex today, scary subject, did I do OK or do I need to stick a bow on it? http://kingsdaughters21.blogspot.com/2012/02/being-wife-who-enjoys-sex.html

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Lisa Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Lori,
Thank you SO much for those tips at the end! As student pastor’s to girls that would so much rather have a conversation via text or email I need to remember those wise words.
Lisa

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Claire McLean Reply:
 February 20th, 2012 at 7:58 pm

oh my – what a situation!

its amazing how some people are really in tune with how words can effect people… and some people so arent…

as a young adults housegroup leader i’ve had many a talk, particularly with young women, who have been wounded by thoughtless comments or insenstive wording…

and i know in the times i have had to have difficult conversations iwth people i have always prayed that i will have grace on my lips.

as a words of affirmation love languages person, and an encourager, i always am aware that my words carry life and that if i ooze out encouragement and good words that i can build someone and attempt to repair breaches that others have. i think it is dr phil that says it takes 100 “atta’boys” to erase the one “you loser” – i so want to contribute to life and wholeness and courage in peoples lives.

we should be bold encouragers – who knows, we might be the only ones speaking good things and hope to someone… we can speak words from our Father’s heart to spark life and hope…

ps we ALL have photos like that hidden away!!!! or worse!!!

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Brandi Wilson Reply:
 February 21st, 2012 at 8:06 am

I think that picture is precious!!!

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Jen Rancour Reply:
 February 21st, 2012 at 7:27 pm

What great tips- from someone who used to have the Dorothy Hamill bowlcut…ahem, I mean haircut, I also have trouble mastering the love in tough love, and have been known to alienate a time or two in person; it is often useless to project a vision of what needs to be communicated through email as I usually have to say it in person too to get my true point across, especially if I write when fired up and emotional (which is the usual for my state of being!) I can’t wait to share these tips with our volunteers!

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