It’s Nothing Personal, But …
Oh … those 4 little words.
They are most often immediately followed by some kind of verbal head-butt. Never fun. Usually personal.
I’ve always thought if I had a ready answer in my head, I could handle these *not-so-personal* situations a bit better.
My usual answer, in my super sweetest voice, is … “for you.”
I’ve found that it works in all kinds of situations, little ones and big ones.
“The music is too loud.” … for you, but there are others who enjoy the music at that volume.
“It is too cold in the auditorium.” … for you, but did you see our poor worship leader and the sweat pouring off his head?
“The teaching isn’t deep enough.” … for you … and, oh yeah … that is totally and completely personal.
So, I’m hoping we can help each other put more helpful responses in our pockets so we can pull them out when we hit these situations. Also, let me know what you’ve heard come after those four little words: It’s nothing personal, but …
40 Responses to “It’s Nothing Personal, But …”
Lori, what great responses to the “it’s nothing personal but ….”
What I used to experience was: “Um, I just thought you should know that people are saying…” I’ve learnt from my husband to stop the person right there and ask “Who do you mean by ‘people’?”
And would you believe, this ‘crowd of people’ usually turned out to be the one person talking to me and his/her one friend who is usually always disgruntled about something.
Or sometimes the person was unwilling to name the ‘people’, at which point, in that sweet voice you mentioned 
I let them know that it would not be productive for us to have this conversation that involves these ‘anonymous people’ and that ‘people’ will have to come to me themselves.
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Had a good friend tell me one time “it’s nothing personal but we just need a church that preaches more… (Blah blah blah)… It’s not you, it’s me. I hope we can still continue our friendship in the same way. ”
I was so surprised I didn’t say anything. How could it not be personal if you don’t agree with my husbands preaching? And how can we still be friends when you don’t even realize how you just insulted me, my husband and our church?
Love your line, “for you.” So true. Sometimes people need to understand the weight, rudeness and selfishness of what they are saying.
Great post!
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Holly,
I completely agree with you. Someone told me they didn’t think my husband should be preaching once, but “nothing personal against him”. SERIOUSLY?? Who would it be against, then? Oh sure, and let’s go to lunch?!?
I am very new to the job of ministry wife and learning, but I’m not a new Christian (nor am I young)… if so, I might just run as fast as I could.
Thank you all for sharing and guiding us along!
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January 10th, 2011 at 10:38 amOh yes … love the teaching/preaching comments. At least we all know we are all in good company!
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Needed this! Just took a screen shot of this post on my iPhone and made it my background image…gonna let it soak in for a few days so I don’t forget it! “For you…” is brilliant. XO
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I needed this post. I tend to get fired up when someone feels the “need” to criticize and then explain that it’s not personal. Those are great responses to some very common comments. Thanks!
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January 10th, 2011 at 10:40 amOh I get fired up too! Can’t keep those Mamma-bear claws from coming out sometimes. That’s why I have to have something ready in my head.
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I am going to re-read this every single morning. Thank you, Lori. I am so new at this – but have already heard it. “You’re so easy to talk to so let me just tell you, it’s nothing personal but…”
Oh goodness.
I am going to use your “for you…” line. Thanks again for all you do for all of “us”.
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January 10th, 2011 at 10:41 amJust remember that the happy people are usually the quiet people. And that just because one person or a group of people feel one way doesn’t mean the entire church feels that way. Those negative comments can tank us that way sometimes.
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Great post! I have a tendency to get fired up, too Tiffany! And the worst part is they usually say it right before the sermon on Sunday morning, so I have to keep it to myself until after church so I don’t ruin my husband’s day. I love that they say, “I didn’t want to bother your husband with this….”, knowing full well I’m going straight to him, otherwise why tell me at all?
We had a VBS decorating party where we provided a meal so we could get lots of help with decorations after Sunday morning worship. A woman who never volunteered for VBS and didn’t stay to decorate after the meal said, “Don’t take it personal, but I’m really concerned that you haven’t changed the sign and we need to get the word out. I just care so much about these neighborhood kids.” When I apologized and told her my husband had been out of town on a business trip (he’s bi-vocational), she said, “Not him. You!” I offered to let her change the sign, but she had to “run on home”. I still get fired up because she has not once offered to help, but she “cares so much” for the neighborhood kids. I’ve learned to keep myself in a crowd when I’m around people like that. They tend to behave in front of other people:)
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January 10th, 2011 at 11:35 amI had a friend when we first started in ministry tell me not to let people use me a messenger for their junk to my husband. But instead to just respond by telling them to make an appointment with him.
I’ve done better at this in some seasons than others. But I try not to tell him everything I hear … not for him … but so that people will stop using me as their go between.
That’s so tough!!
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I tend to make no promises of communication to my husband… “He’s at the church office… Monday thru Thursday” 
)
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HAHA. My response to that one is …umm, if you want him to know that then you need to tell him yourself. Also please don’t tell me I need to get him to do something…because if you know my husband that game don’t play!
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I just had the “It’s not personal” conversation with a good friend…
The most indignant I have ever gotten was over an “It’s not personal” comment/situation that shredded our family. I screamed. I’m not a screamer but I literally screamed “Get out of my office” to a lady who had made the “It’s not personal” comment in a horrible “IT’s not personal situation and then had the audacity to try to hug me. Still to this day I’m not pleased with my actions considering no one has EVER gotten my goat like that before… nor since.
I think it’s really important to have a trusted person outside of our church that is willing to speak truth into us that we can sift those “It’s not personal” comments through. I’ve found that even though they may honk me sometimes they contain a shred of truth. A shred. And sometimes only a shred but still it’s a shred…
And even if there’s nothing in 9 out of 10 comments we may be able to use the 1 to better ourselves and our ministries but we have to be able to swallow it. (PS… I’m so working on this… I’m a justifier and I want justice and truth no matter what… no matter the collateral damage… and I’m learning to just shut it at times… smile and nod. Smile and nod.)
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January 10th, 2011 at 11:06 pmYou’re right … some times there is truth in there. It is important to be open to what God wants to use to grow us and stretch us. Good point!
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Thanks Lori, I’ve sent this post to all the PW’s on our staff. This is a great line to have in our pockets! I put it in mine right next to “It doesn’t look like I’m available at that time.” =) You are such a gift to us and this sweet but firm answer will keep me from saying things I will later regret. Things like “everything about this church and this ministry and this man is PERSONAL to me, you dummy!” Ok now I have something better to say….Haha! Love this and love you!
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So Lori do you ask yourself….did I just say that outloud? LOL
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January 10th, 2011 at 11:15 pmThanks for sharing it Lori!
And thanks for your sweet words!
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January 10th, 2011 at 2:11 pmLove that.. Will definitely be using that!!
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Let’s see..
We aren’t going to church here anymore….FOR U!
I love that response! I need to cool my heels sometimes & just be quiet. I often get fired up too.
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January 10th, 2011 at 11:18 pmYeah, that one might warrant another one of my not-so-brilliant responses: Uh … ok.
I try to say that in the sweetest voice too, although it sometimes backfires.
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I guess I try to stay in the “denial” zone. Every since Marc first started preaching I have been known to take off my glasses during his sermons. At first it was because I was so nervous for him that I couldn’t watch ( I literally would get sick and have the shakes). Over the years I realized I now keep them off so that I don’t see peoples reactions. Figure if I can’t see (I’m blind as a bat without my glasses) that your not paying attention, or are frowning, mad, you name it… I won’t hold it against you. LOL
Honestly, I have problably developed a thicker skin then I even thought because over the years I have learned to say no to stuff, not to worry so much about what people think of me (I tell myself everyday I am who God created me to be, you either accept it or not) and now I’m trying to learn to just let some stuff go (roll off my back sort of speak) until I can get to a prayer partner (I have some really great girlfriends in my life) who calm me down (of course by this time they are mad as all get up. Which usually brings me back to reality and I realize that I have to love people where they are, because God loved me). Of course the next week (sometime the next day) I have to start the process of forgiving all over again. Which is why God is still working on me!
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January 10th, 2011 at 11:18 pmI love that you have friends you can go to. That’s a blessing!
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January 10th, 2011 at 3:59 pmThis is all great stuff. I have no ready answers but realize I need to start working on some or I’ll just start crying or say something snappish in reply.
But how do you keep those “It’s nothing personal…” comments and others from truly getting under your skin? And what about when it really does hurt or bother you?
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January 10th, 2011 at 11:24 pmMost of the time it does hurt and bother me. I can’t help it. It doesn’t mean that I value their thoughts over what God thinks. It just means I’m human. Someone who gets their feelings hurt. I just try to deal with those feelings later and not in the moment of one of those situations. But it does hurt lots of times … no doubt about it.
The trick is balancing allowing yourself to deal with those feelings honestly with God but not wallowing in them to the point where bitterness is created. I’ve unfortunately spent far too much time wallowing.
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Loved this post. I think we just have to realize we can’t make everyone happy all the time, and to not let ourselves get so worked up trying to.
And some people have this need, I think, to complain. They are always complaining about something! It’s like if they didn’t have something to complain about, they wouldn’t be happy. So if I look at it in that since, I’m making them very happy giving them something to complain about! How nice of me!
After over 20 years in the ministry, I’ve learned to really NOT take things to personally. Like Lori’s line “for you”, It really is them, not me! I am me, my husband is who he is, and he’s not going to play his music any lower because it’s too loud “for you”! We’re not going to raise our kids any different, because someone in the Church thinks we should, etc. But, that’s just me, it’s nothing personal. haha!
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January 10th, 2011 at 11:26 pmYou’re exactly right … can’t please them all!
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January 10th, 2011 at 9:01 pmgreat post Lori. Thanks! This is something that’s going to happen as long as we’re in the ministry. I’ve found that when someone approaches you with “nothing personal but” that I shoot up a quick prayer & ask God to show me how to answer without being defensive. Someone once said to me “Don’t take this personally but I think you’re missing God on this. I’m having trouble understanding why you’re taking your kids out of Christian school & throwing them to the wolves in public school.” I said “I know it’s a hard decision but we really feel this direction is from the Lord. Would you pray for my kids while you’re having devotions with yours while homeschooling? That would help me so much to know you’re praying” Totally changed the critical attitude to “We’d love to pray for you”. (sorry for the long comment:) )
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My mother-in-law (a life-long PW) told me when I married her pastor son: “Honey, to be a good preacher’s wife you have to have thick skin and a soft hear.” What a hard balance, but I’m working on it! Thanks for such a good (and necessary) post!
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My mother-in-law (a life-long PW) told me when I married her pastor son: “Honey, to be a good preacher’s wife you have to have thick skin and a soft heart.” What a hard balance, but I’m working on it! Thanks for such a good post!
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January 11th, 2011 at 8:23 amwell said stephanie! sometimes it’s hard to keep that soft heart!
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January 11th, 2011 at 4:20 pmLove this! Thanks ladies. It is amazing how many people have made comments that have been insulting and I have no idea how to handle them. I am also extremely strong in “harmony” so I struggle when people make any negative comments about our church. Nice to know that we all take it so personally.
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I am currently rereading the book “Spiritual Leadership” by J. Oswald Sanders. (Awesome book, btw). There is a section in there about the cost of leadership…including criticism. I love this part:
“Samuel Brengle, noted for his sense of holiness, felt the heat of caustic criticism. Instead of rushing to defend himself, he replied: ‘From my heart I thank you for your rebuke. I think I deserved it. Will you, my friend, remember me in prayer?’ When another critic attacked his spiritual life, Brengle replied: ‘I thank you for your criticism of my life. It set me to self-examination and heart-searching and prayer, which always leads me into a deeper sense of my utter dependence on Jesus for holiness of heart, and into sweeter fellowship with Him.’ ”
I love the humility, the naming of the comments for what it is…criticism, the request for prayer, and the use of the criticism to propel us to Jesus. So hard, but so good.
Thanks for your post!
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September 8th, 2011 at 7:10 pmWe work so hard to be AUTHENTIC in our community that sometimes it backfires in our “realness.” I tend to tell people what I think in response to their “don’t take this personal, but..” comments. I guess because I don’t really get the meaning of that phrase. Does it mean, “I don’t mean to hurt you” or “I hope we can still be friends even though I’m about to share the truth from MY perspective” or “I hope you can still continue to do what your supposed to do, but do it better once you’ve heard this”?
Well-intentioned dragons is what someone called these type of people in our church. We have to be careful of our dealings with them, or we could all be caught on fire!
Thanks, everyone for good words of advice and it sure helps to know there are more of us out there that deal with this often!
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You are right! “Everyone” is usually a tiny group of people that are all friends and talking amongst themselves. Rarely is it “everyone” feels this way or thinks that way!
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