An Answer … with a Dash of Attitude
Posted by: Lori Wilhite
A couple of years ago, I was sitting all by my lonesome, as usual, in my front row spot. About half way through the service a lady joined me on my deserted row. I was glad for the company since it can be isolating up there.
My husband preached about something that I can’t remember now. But I’m sure it was brilliant, and that I laughed at all of his jokes and stories.
After service, the lady walked over to me and said: Do you go to this church all the time?
Smiling sheepishly, I answered: Why, yes. Yes I do.
She shot back: Then maybe you can tell me why they don’t pray at this church.
Whoa, Nelly! Huh?! Where in the world did that come from?
Cue smile, and sweetest voice: Well, he just prayed at the close of service just now.
She huffed at me: Well, if you call that little quip a prayer!
Cue deep breath, forced smile, and attempt at a sweeter voice, as I pointed out the different times of prayer during the service including the ones that she had missed since she was late. And I reminded her about the team of people that is ready, willing, and able to pray with individuals after service.
We volleyed back and forth for several minutes until I had had enough. I put my hand up in that talk-to-the-hand sort of fashion, and said (with a dash of attitude, minus the sweet voice): You know what, that is my husband. I’m not sure what you want me to say right now. I’m obviously not able to say what you want to hear.
I heard a sharp intake of breath. And her eyes got really big. Then she took off.
I stood there for a moment to get myself calmed down before I went to visit with some people. I was in the middle of talking to someone a few minutes later when she showed up with tears in her eyes and said sternly: Sorry, but you don’t have to be so defensive.
Defensive. Really?! I stood there for 5 minutes, nodding, smiling, talking sweetly while I listened to you rant about our church and my husband. Yeah. I finally got a little defensive … but you have no idea how much I was holding back, lady!
Part of me wished I could get my little dash of attitude back. But part of me was just glad to get that whole situation stopped. It was getting nowhere fast.
There is a line there somewhere between staying sweet and gentle … and getting negative, divisive talk about your church, your pastor, your staff (you name it) stopped. We need to stick up for each other and not just lend an unending ear to negative chatter about our leaders, friends, etc.
Since I always feel like it is better to have words already chosen and stuck in my back pocket ready to be pulled out when needed, I thought today we’d share our own personal ways in dealing with these kinds of situations. When you are stuck in a conversation like this that is getting a whole lot of nowhere, what do you say to close it down? And what can you say to stop negative talk, especially about other people/leaders, when you hear it?
44 Responses to “An Answer … with a Dash of Attitude”
Gotta luv these situations Lori!
A few weeks ago my husband was the speaker (he usually speaks 1 msg. out of a series). At our 2nd service I happened to be a greeter & a woman came in late. I smiled, gave her a program, and she went to her seat. About 2 min. later she got up and handed me back the program and said she preferred the other pastor. There’s was no time for talk. I just smiled and gladly opened the door for her to exit the building!
I just have to remind myself that God loves even those. 
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:47 amSorry she missed what God had for her that day. Too bad.
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Lori, I love you! I can totally hear your sweet voice as I read this.
One response I have to negative feedback is…
We know that People’s Church isn’t for everyone. There are so many great churches and I’m know there’s one that will be a great fit for you. We are committed to the vision God gave us for our church, we know that not everyone will enjoy what we do to carry out this vision.
And of course I’m always pleasant although I’m thinking, please go to another church:)
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:47 amYes!! Love this. And it is totally ok that your church isn’t for everyone. None of them are. Not a one!
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In the heat of the moment I probably would’ve told her off and then had to go back and apologize later. I hate having to apologize later…so I’m glad you’re asking this question. What can I say to shut down a conversation that is going to lead me to lose my temper?
“Let’s pray about this right now.” Take their hand and pray that God would show us all how to handle the situation, that He would bless those who work so hard for Him, and that He would help us to be an encouragement to one another no matter our own personal agendas… Wait…is it wrong to be snarky while you’re praying? Oh, well. At least the lady would know that you care about prayer!
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:49 amLove it. Yes, that would have been a great way to get things on a much more positive note.
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September 7th, 2011 at 7:23 amIt takes supernatural skill to keep a peacemaking smile on your face while being punched in the stomach with someone’s careless choice words. Ehhh that brings emotions just typing that. But encouraging to hear that every church has one of these days.
When faced with this situation I usually hear them out and say I am sorry you feel this way. Let’s give it another chance… and if you still feel this way then I understand if you no longer want to…
Thanks for the therapy Lori LOL!
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:51 amI’m totally cheap therapy!
Sending you big hugs Julie! You guys are doing amazing work!
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September 7th, 2011 at 7:44 amI’ve only just recently had this happen to me. We are at a small church and my husband and his admin assistant are the only staff. We have some “negative nellies” that are always complaining about something, but recently one of them told ME that we needed a REAL leader at our church. She went on and on about what he needs to do. I didn’t say anything, I think I was too shocked. Every once in a while I’ll overhear someone in the same crowd complain about something they think he should have done, and honestly it hurts so much I usually just cry over it later. Plus, I always think of what I should have said after the fact!
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:53 amI’m totally a delayed reactor too!
That’s why I always try to have some great words picked out before the situation happens. Sometimes it works … others, not so much.
Just know that you aren’t the only PW who’s had to find the kleenex after service! You aren’t alone! 
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September 7th, 2011 at 7:58 amOh man, Lori, you stood there a whole five minutes?!
In that kind of convo, my inner-head conversation is “don’t reason with a fool; it’s folly”…in all honestly in my experience, these kinds of convos happen with consumer-type Christians, and not the ones we’ve yet to reach for Christ, which is who our “target audience” is anyway. I usually respond similar to the way Tiffany does, saying, you know, I’m okay with you not liking the way we do things around here. God made us all so unique, desiring different things, and I really hope you find a church that you feel like you can grow with Jesus and serve others in.
If there is a nugget of truth nestled in the criticism or discouragement, I try to find it and learn from it, but then do my best to move on…easier said than done sometimes, but leading a church isn’t for wimps, and the vision that God has called us to is worth fighting through the discouragement for!
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:58 amI couldn’t agree more, Heather! You’re right about the kinds of people that are usually engaging in those kinds of conversations. It is important to keep that in mind because it does lessen the sting a bit!
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:06 amLori, I can’t beleive that you started your “dash of attitude,” with “you know what.” That’s my usual choice of words for my outbursts.
Seriously, it’s terribly hard to take criticism directed to your husband. I expereinced this just about a week ago. I can take it much better if it’s directed to me. But I want to jump to his defense immediately. Both as my husband and a leader.
This has helped give me a ready word for if this happens again.
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:59 amI’ll remember if I hear that phrase pop out of your mouth to prepare myself!
You’re right … always tough to hear criticism about ones we love.
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:07 amI’m there with Tiffany. I let people know that we all celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc but we have different traditions or ways we go about it. I encourage them to find a place where they believe God is leading & where they can identify & grow. Kudos to u Lori!
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I tend to be a bit of a smart-aleck anyway, so most folks know ahead of time, but a complete stranger wouldn’t. I try to bring humor into every situation.
There are times when someone has been critical of another person, and I’ve been known to escort them to the person they’re talking about so that we can get the problem straightened out.
As Dave Ramsay says… zero tolerance for gossip. (I add complaints to that.)
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September 7th, 2011 at 9:01 amI absolutely LOVE that you walk people over to the person they are complaining about! We need lots more of that!!
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September 7th, 2011 at 6:31 pmFaye… love the “zero tolerance for gossip” rule!
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:21 amSometimes people just need to be heard. Once you hear them out, turn the conversation around and ask them some general questions like, How did you come to visit our church today? Or, Have you lived in this area a long time? Or even, Do you have family in the area? That way you both leave the encounter in a little better state of mind, hopefully! Blessings to you as you surely navigate these situations quite often!!!
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September 7th, 2011 at 9:02 amI agree Brenda! Totally! People do need to be heard. And most of the time a sweet smile, attitude and listening ear will be the best thing we can offer!
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September 7th, 2011 at 8:35 amMany years ago while my husband was in seminary we attended a local church. The pastor and his wife taught a lot at the seminary and were very open to teaching and training ministry families. I learned tons of things from this pastor’s wife. One of the most helpful was how to turn the gossiping nitpicker into your good friend. Here is what she would do. Whenever a lady would come to her for a “prayer need” (gossip or grumble), they would usually start with I need you to pray about … or can you pray for … My pastor’s wife would say “ok I will pray for you, since it is that important let’s pray right here right now and you start”. The lady would usually stumble and stammer and voice an uncomfortable prayer. This would work because anyone wanting to gossip or grumble would be halted in their tracks. After a few moments like this gossip and grumbles became legitimate prayer needs. I know this situation won’t help every time for every situation. But too often wives are inundated with so called “items of prayer”. Keeping a cool head and taking a bold stand with the right attitude, using a soft voice, with a smile on your face, and nodding your head yes (non-verbal cues) can help turn a person with a hard heart and mind into you next good friend. Find hope. MB
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September 7th, 2011 at 9:03 amGreat advice from her! Glad you had someone pouring great wisdom and advice into your life so early on in your ministry! What a gift!
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Even after being in ministry for 40 years, people can still shock me in the things they say. Just recently while working at my office, I had a phone call from an anonymous caller wanting help. I tried to be as sweet as I could in explaining our church’s policy in these situations and the steps he could take to receive help. He accused us of not being like Jesus and went on to say that Jesus would be ashamed of us. Woah! It really upset me, but after mulling it over for awhile I realized that if Jesus was truly ashamed of us, he wouldn’t let us know through a complete stranger who wanted money, nor would he tell us in an accusatory way. It’s always good to consider the source before we react. I just told him I was sorry he felt that way and he hung up on me
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September 7th, 2011 at 10:16 amI’m my pastor’s assistant, and I’ve had a few times that I’ve had my dander up too. I think it’s so important to have good self talk during these times–things we are saying to ourselves not to them. One pastor I had used to say, “Preach to yourself, don’t listen to yourself”. Preaching implies telling the truth, and listening to yourself implies emotions.
We have a saying we use a lot when we have people who are frustrating us. “Love everybody, but move with the movers.” In other words, be nice, but don’t focus on the people who are not trying. Don’t let the nay-sayers zap all your strength. Focus on the people who are like hungry little birds, wanting to grow and learn.
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September 7th, 2011 at 10:23 amI so needed to read this today… as a people pleaser I let the smallest of negative comments hit me in my core where they dwell for days. I love the idea of being ready with an answer. I think I’ll borrow Tiffany’s “There are so many great churches and I’m know there’s one that will be a great fit for you. We are committed to the vision God gave us for our church, we know that not everyone will enjoy what we do to carry out this vision.” Reading this reminded me that we can’t be everything to everyone and as bad as I want everyone to LOVE our church not everyone will… and that’s OK! (insert deep cleansing sigh)
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September 7th, 2011 at 11:31 amAt times you can tell when someone is just talking to hear their own voice and other times when they truly are interested in why we do what we do. When the attitude is there I try to be as direct as possible. Kind, but firm. We tell people the same as Tiffany mentioned about People’s Church. There is nothing wrong with being proud of what your churches vision is and that there really are other great churches they can connect in-whether in the community or online/tv. After someone has shared and I have shared, but there still isn’t a common ground and they want to tell their story/concern ALL over again I tell them-Again thanks for sharing your thoughts, but it looks like we need to agree to disagree. I’m going to end this conversation now and encourage both of us to process what has been discussed. –sometimes people are offended, but being direct has helped me. Sometimes when I overly listen it gives certain people more drive to speak:) wow that was long-great post!
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Many years ago when my boys were small (5,4,and 2)…and a long day of mommy this and mommy that…discipline for the same offense over and over…I went to church on Wed. night for some grownup time with adults, Bible Study and choir practice…
In the parking lot, Mr I-gumble-at-everything approached me to say not HELLO, but “that sound system in the auditorium is too loud! they don’t have it right!” and on he went. “why can’t they do something about it?” was his last statement before I (forced myself to)calmly tell him that WE just Cannot Please Everyone!…and kept walking.
I really wished that day that he had asked me how my day had gone…he was the icing on the cake to my already un-nerving day.
My boys are grown now, but I still remember that day vividly. Now I avoid the I-grumble-at-everything people, except to smile, wave and quickly move on.
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Lori, oh my gosh.. You must be recording what goes through my head some times… Just .. Well.. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one cueing sweet voices and not allowing too much negative talk about my husband!! This a great topic!!
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About 2 weeks ago I as at Walmart (which I hate) and I had my church t-shirt on. On older gentleman got in line behind me. I was talking to the cashier and he said “Do you go to Hope’s Point?” I smiled and said, “Yes!” He said, “Why did they take Baptist off their sign?” I’m pretty sure at that moment I could have caught flies my mouth was open so wide. Totally shocked me and I couldn’t even think! I react very slowly but I came up with several responses over the course of a few days!
Gotta love this life we have been CALLED too. Only way to survive it!
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If possible, I grab my phone and text one word to my husband…
HELP!
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September 7th, 2011 at 6:54 pmWow, I don’t know what I would say. Maybe I would say that: “Wow, I don’t know what to say, but since that man is my husband, it hurts a bit to hear you speak this way.”
I like the no gossip thing and taking the person directly to who they’re talking about. I like the hope you find the right fit thing, too. And I need to remind myself to let it roll off and not take it to heart, and also that God builds His church and He does a really great job at it. It doesn’t all depend on me pleasing everyone or even one irate person.
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September 7th, 2011 at 11:05 pmThe church we are at now had gone through several pastors in a short period of time before we came (no problems, just circumstantial), so there was a lot of comparison and “I wish your husband would… like the last pastor did!” I used to get so upset trying to defend him and take in all the ladies would say to me. Finally my husband told me that as soon as a person stated a problem or had a “ministry improvement,” I should smile and tell them, “You know, I bet my husband would want to know your thoughts. Why don’t you mention it to him?” Then I’d smile sweetly and change the subject or excuse myself.. 9 out of 10 times they wouldn’t mention it to him, but they quickly stopped complaining to me! I think it’s less intimidating for people (especially women) to talk to pastor’s wives than to the pastor himself, if only they knew what an awkward situation that puts us in :/
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My husband and I pastor a church in Dallas, GA. Upon arriving here 12 years ago, the church ran around 70 people. Now, we average 600. During the 12 years, I’ve heard what feels like every complaint. Our church was established 156 years ago…A lot of sacred cows to kill…and with that, comes disapproval (mean words, judgement, criticism, etc.). For me, I expect it. I’m ready for it. If it’s a complaint about the music, I point them to the person who has power to change things. If it’s personal, like my husband’s preaching, I listen, and not buy-in, pray with them, and move on. There’re people who need ministered to that are truly hurting. I move myself away from the situation. They eventually come on board or remove themselves. Either way, praise the Lord.
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September 9th, 2011 at 1:24 amI am so glad to hear from other PWs. My husband is the pastor of a church in Frankfurt, Germany, has been at the church for 2 1/2 years now and I think you could say that we are in a season of criticism. I know about crying after the service, on the way to the service, after the church meeting, feeling like I need to tie myself to my chair so that I don’t run out of a meeting. Fortunately (for me) most of the people do criticize directly to my husband and not to me and he does protect me from a lot of it. What really got me was being at a prayer meeting last week where someone was praying for my husband, “God teach him this… show him that… let him be more…” I wanted to explode but had no idea how to respond. If they only knew how much he does love God and THEM! Of course there are times when I think we should move on, but we KNOW that God has called us here. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that calling daily…
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September 12th, 2011 at 11:26 amThank you so much for your post and this group! I have been blessed and encouraged through your ministry. My husband is a youth pastor with our 15 year-old daughter in our ministry. This past weekend we had a retreat and my daughter called at 11:30 in tears because she heard the girls that I lead “trashing” her dad after he issued a challenge to the group. It was the toughest thing so far I think we’ve dealt with along the lines of criticism from others. We’ve learned how to deal with it but for our daughter this is new territory. We are praying for the wisdom to lead her to deal with things like this in a positive way and not become bitter. Thank you so much for support and a place to come and feel understood!!
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September 17th, 2011 at 8:51 pmOh my! I am going to totally post about this really soon! I need words in my pocket for when this comes up … but I’m so sorry for your daughter! So sorry!
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We serve at a small church, so most people who complain to me KNOW that I’m his wife and are hoping I’ll pass along the negative info, but aren’t willing to sit down and talk to him themselves. Recently, I’ve started interrupting them and saying, “I don’t think Glen knows you feel this way. You should schedule an appointment to talk to him about these things.” Not one has scheduled an appointment:) One lady actually said, “That’s why I’m telling you, so you can tell him.” I simply told her we don’t discuss negative things regarding church in our home. Problem solved.
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September 17th, 2011 at 8:51 pmLove this and totally agree! Totally saving this response!!
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Lori you handled this so well! I would hope that I would handle it with such grace. There is a line that you walk of hearing people out yet at the same time not being walked on. You are amazing Lori!
Love you so much!!
xoxo
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[...] … but I, unfortunately, can’t. And, when that time comes, I want to be ready with some words in my back pocket to pull out to [...]
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Yikes Mandy! That’s a tough one.
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